My last excerpt was a true b!tch session, lol. As I continue to think about what I want to do with my hair, I realize that my hair struggles are directly connected with personal acceptance of my hair. Thus, I've concluded that right now, I'm struggling with accepting my hair. I hate to say it, but it's true.
One of the more recent posts from The Natural Haven discussed a concept of a 'hair utopia.' It was a great read - check it out! Readers were encouraged to comment on their own view of a hair utopia. It was evident that some women struggle with various "challenges" in being natural. However, there were other women who saw no struggle in being natural - after all, we're NATURAL - there shouldn't be any difficulty there! These women re-affirmed their beauty and accepted their hair for what it is.
I pondered these ideas of a hair utopia and I know that I haven't reached mine. I thought of my current acceptance issues with my hair: shrinkage & hair loss (from weekly detangling), attractiveness (tiny bit)*. I can't change the shrinkage rate of my hair. The best, protective styles for me, result in the most shrinkage. My question is, if I can't accept this, should I lock my hair again?
*For attractiveness, I sometimes do think I look better with more of the 'big hair' or stretched natural styles and straight hair styles than my traditional two-strands
I've got to be able to accept my hair for what it is...I long to reach my own hair utopia, and finally...hair bliss!
Excerpts from the Diary of a Frustrated Hairmonger pt 1
I washed my hair on Sunday b/c my straight hair was starting to look a little crazy. The nice thing about straight hair is that when it's done, it's super cute. However, 5 days later, my curls were no longer bouncy and they went any which way they wanted - thus I looked CRAZY.
So, I washed my hair and I'm happy to say that my curls/elasticity bounced back FOR THE MOST PART. I had no completely straight sections of my hair, but some parts did show a looser curl pattern. My cousin says "that's normal, the more you wash, the more it will go back." I feel like I shouldn't have to worry about this at all.
The point in me being natural (w/o dreads) was to experience the versatility in natural hair. However my 4b strands are so sensitive that I can't experience this versatility in fearand actuality of my delicate strands being ruined! Thus, I am contemplating locking my hair again.
My original goal were two main things (and they're quite easy):
1. Be natural *b/c I love it & totally goes w/ my lifestyle
2. Obtain long hair
I don't have a problem with being patient to get long hair(it's not the easiest thing, but I don't have a problem w/ it). I feel like I've seen less hair retention in the past 3 months of being a free-strand natural than in the last 3 months when I had dreads. The maintenance and care associated with free-strand naturalness is very difficult with truly thick hair.
I was going to post about the fact that I don't see a lot of REAL 4b naturals w/ long hair on blogs/fotki (will post later) - this is probably why. The kinkier your hair is, the tougher it is to manage. Proper management leads to growth, thus it's probably not that we can't grow our hair long, it's probably just that the free-strandedness of our kinky coils makes it EXTREMELY difficult to achieve desired lengths!
Basically, I'm fed up with my free-strand hair, and when I had locks, I never complained about my hair. Right now, I'm battling: bad ends - they're knotted & dry AFTER my trim, dry scalp *although this was always an issue for me*, overall dry hair *no moisturizing regimen seems to work*, poor hair rentention *when I comb it out while washing, I always lose a lot*. I think I'm going back...
So, I washed my hair and I'm happy to say that my curls/elasticity bounced back FOR THE MOST PART. I had no completely straight sections of my hair, but some parts did show a looser curl pattern. My cousin says "that's normal, the more you wash, the more it will go back." I feel like I shouldn't have to worry about this at all.
The point in me being natural (w/o dreads) was to experience the versatility in natural hair. However my 4b strands are so sensitive that I can't experience this versatility in fear
My original goal were two main things (and they're quite easy):
1. Be natural *b/c I love it & totally goes w/ my lifestyle
2. Obtain long hair
I don't have a problem with being patient to get long hair(it's not the easiest thing, but I don't have a problem w/ it). I feel like I've seen less hair retention in the past 3 months of being a free-strand natural than in the last 3 months when I had dreads. The maintenance and care associated with free-strand naturalness is very difficult with truly thick hair.
I was going to post about the fact that I don't see a lot of REAL 4b naturals w/ long hair on blogs/fotki (will post later) - this is probably why. The kinkier your hair is, the tougher it is to manage. Proper management leads to growth, thus it's probably not that we can't grow our hair long, it's probably just that the free-strandedness of our kinky coils makes it EXTREMELY difficult to achieve desired lengths!
Basically, I'm fed up with my free-strand hair, and when I had locks, I never complained about my hair. Right now, I'm battling: bad ends - they're knotted & dry AFTER my trim, dry scalp *although this was always an issue for me*, overall dry hair *no moisturizing regimen seems to work*, poor hair rentention *when I comb it out while washing, I always lose a lot*. I think I'm going back...
Straight hair...gasp
Ok, this is the last time I will comment on the infrequency of my posting, lol, smh. I just think it's funny, and I really want to make a point of posting every week, but I don't/haven't.
So, focusing on the title of this post. I straightened my hair - not chemically - just with a little heat. Another thing, I didn't do it myself (or I would be looking like Condoleezza Rice), I got it done. While I was in the chair getting blown out and straightened, I was reminded of the HORROR, YES, AB-SO-LUTE HORROR of getting my hair done. The heat from the blow-dryer on my skin, heat from the ceramic iron on my scalp, brushing of my kinky hair, etc. I really wanted to take a nap when I got home. This pain is really just a custom among black women (at least among the black women I know).
Even worse, my ends were AWFUL! I had to get a trim, but healthy ends lead to more hair growth, so I wasn't upset about loosing the length. I was upset to find out that my regimen is not working - as evident by my rough ends.
The hair came out super cute though. I've totally been able to play "in-cog-negro" as folks have not even recognized me.
This is temporary. I will be back, happy and nappy soon I'm sure. Also, I'm encouraged to try more styling within protective styles - my goal will be one/week so that I do update more often.
So, focusing on the title of this post. I straightened my hair - not chemically - just with a little heat. Another thing, I didn't do it myself (or I would be looking like Condoleezza Rice), I got it done. While I was in the chair getting blown out and straightened, I was reminded of the HORROR, YES, AB-SO-LUTE HORROR of getting my hair done. The heat from the blow-dryer on my skin, heat from the ceramic iron on my scalp, brushing of my kinky hair, etc. I really wanted to take a nap when I got home. This pain is really just a custom among black women (at least among the black women I know).
Even worse, my ends were AWFUL! I had to get a trim, but healthy ends lead to more hair growth, so I wasn't upset about loosing the length. I was upset to find out that my regimen is not working - as evident by my rough ends.
The hair came out super cute though. I've totally been able to play "in-cog-negro" as folks have not even recognized me.
This is temporary. I will be back, happy and nappy soon I'm sure. Also, I'm encouraged to try more styling within protective styles - my goal will be one/week so that I do update more often.
Various Hair Styles: Braid/Twist, Straws & Big French Braid
I totally went on a hiatus, but that's ok b/c like I said before, I have yet to get a real blog "followers" base, which is fine. Not to mention, I was experiencing some [hear church music playing in back] "life changes."
Quick Half-Marathon/Running Update: My running buddy from work left for grad school so I'm running on my own time now. It's tough to stay motivated at times so I'm desperately looking for a running buddy. Last Saturday when I ran I got caught in the middle of a rain storm and ran with 10 pounds of water on me - [in sarcastic voice] it was great! Last Sunday I ran another 5 miler. I did 2.5 on Tuesday *I had eaten a burger for lunch so that was a TOUGH 2.5*. I will also try to run today.
Hair updates!!! Style Trials
I've really been looking at my hair like...damn, should I have kept my locs? I love being natural, it's nothing about that, but this thick ish on my head is A LOT OF WORK!!! Locs were very low maintenance, and best of all - I always looked good (i.e. my hair was always 'done'). I have been keeping up with trying new styles.
Me with another half braided/twist do (front/back views):
This was cute for me, and it lasted very well.
Here's a pic of me trying a straw set. It failed HORRIBLY on my hair. I mean, you can definitely tell I tried it, but I just didn't like the look for me.
FINALLY, I've been seeing all these long-haired girls with these big side-swiped french braids. I LOVE the style and totally wanted to try it for myself. So I did! I did have to blow dry my hair to get the length necessary for the braids. However, I love the style so much (and hate to blow-dry) so I might see if my hair is long enough for the style if I let it air dry in bantu knots.
I only parted it in the front half and had the two braids meet in the back. I kept this style for 5 days and took out the back half when I was tired of it - still very cute!
Quick Half-Marathon/Running Update: My running buddy from work left for grad school so I'm running on my own time now. It's tough to stay motivated at times so I'm desperately looking for a running buddy. Last Saturday when I ran I got caught in the middle of a rain storm and ran with 10 pounds of water on me - [in sarcastic voice] it was great! Last Sunday I ran another 5 miler. I did 2.5 on Tuesday *I had eaten a burger for lunch so that was a TOUGH 2.5*. I will also try to run today.
Hair updates!!! Style Trials
I've really been looking at my hair like...damn, should I have kept my locs? I love being natural, it's nothing about that, but this thick ish on my head is A LOT OF WORK!!! Locs were very low maintenance, and best of all - I always looked good (i.e. my hair was always 'done'). I have been keeping up with trying new styles.
Me with another half braided/twist do (front/back views):
This was cute for me, and it lasted very well.
Here's a pic of me trying a straw set. It failed HORRIBLY on my hair. I mean, you can definitely tell I tried it, but I just didn't like the look for me.
FINALLY, I've been seeing all these long-haired girls with these big side-swiped french braids. I LOVE the style and totally wanted to try it for myself. So I did! I did have to blow dry my hair to get the length necessary for the braids. However, I love the style so much (and hate to blow-dry) so I might see if my hair is long enough for the style if I let it air dry in bantu knots.
I only parted it in the front half and had the two braids meet in the back. I kept this style for 5 days and took out the back half when I was tired of it - still very cute!
Running Milestone...Kind of Late...
I ran on Saturday and ran a total of 5 miles STRAIGHT! WHOO! And it felt so good...I wasn't tired, instead I felt triumphant. Unforch, I haven't really ran since then, but work has got me a lil' crazy-busy. I hope to run tomorrow evening before going to the Franklin Institute's "Is America Colorblind" exhibit.
--> Random Hair Excerpt...I attempted a straw set for my hair last Friday, and I thought it looked an awful hot mess. I was so upset :( I don't know if it was too long or if my technique was just all wrong...maybe all of the above, who knows...I took pics too, I just haven't downloaded them b/c I'm lazyand no one follows this, lol.
--> Random Hair Excerpt...I attempted a straw set for my hair last Friday, and I thought it looked an awful hot mess. I was so upset :( I don't know if it was too long or if my technique was just all wrong...maybe all of the above, who knows...I took pics too, I just haven't downloaded them b/c I'm lazy
No EVOO or Baby Food for Me
My birthday was Monday, thus this entire week I've been hanging out with friends & celebrating and not worrying about my hair! I did a twist out last week and it actually lasted! I was super-surprised b/c they typically only last 1 day for me. I think it lasted b/c I didn't try to separate the twist-chunks. I had the twists in from Saturday - Tuesday and rocked the twist-out Tuesday (night) - Saturday.
I did some different things with my regimen last week- I used baby food bananas instead of an actual banana and olive oil. My scalp reacted horribly to one of the two, and I spent last week and this one recovering from some kind of skin reaction to one of those two. I'm not sure which one was the culprit, but I'm going to do my scalp a favor and stay far away from both of them.
Yesterday I bought some Aubrey's Organic shampoo for Dry/brittle hair with the hopes to help my scalp feel better. I DC'd with some Earthly Delight conditioner and did a regular co-wash with my other Aubrey's conditioner product. Everything seemed to work well as my scalp feels 10 times better. I did box braids yesterday but I don't love it. Last week I had this full, thick twist-out look and now I have the "short-hair kiddy braids" look. I'm going to try to curl the braids with some hot curlers with the hopes that I will like it more.
I did some different things with my regimen last week- I used baby food bananas instead of an actual banana and olive oil. My scalp reacted horribly to one of the two, and I spent last week and this one recovering from some kind of skin reaction to one of those two. I'm not sure which one was the culprit, but I'm going to do my scalp a favor and stay far away from both of them.
Yesterday I bought some Aubrey's Organic shampoo for Dry/brittle hair with the hopes to help my scalp feel better. I DC'd with some Earthly Delight conditioner and did a regular co-wash with my other Aubrey's conditioner product. Everything seemed to work well as my scalp feels 10 times better. I did box braids yesterday but I don't love it. Last week I had this full, thick twist-out look and now I have the "short-hair kiddy braids" look. I'm going to try to curl the braids with some hot curlers with the hopes that I will like it more.
My Hair Story: Soulsearching to find a Confident Self
***Update: In case you stumble across this, I summarized my hair story into a video in August 2010 and posted it on my blog here. It's just as detailed but has more pics and an editorial by moi***
So, I think it's going to take me a little while to get into this "post more than once/wk" thing, but that's ok. I feel like typing today, so I thought I would share with you all my hair story...
That's me at two years old, with two big afro puffs *LOVES IT!*
My mom was anti-relaxer forever. When HS started, I felt the "relaxer" pressure. I got my hair straightened at the hair dressers every 2 weeks. I played basketball AND all my friends had long, wavy/straight hair. I caved in. My actual hair was pretty healthy in the relaxed style - minimal breakage. However, I did have an extremely sensitive scalp and would burn EVERY time I got a relaxer. I stopped getting relaxers regularly in 11th grade and wore braids. Going into my senior year of high school in 2003, I was bold and brave and did a Big Chop :0. I got a lil' texturizer with it to "soften" the look. I hated it. I never got a touch up for the texturizer and got another big chop before I went to college and dyed my hair cherry red Summer 2004.
This pic is from Freshman orientation, you can't really see the color but...whatevs.
In college, I still was not confident with my own self image, and I felt that I was "THE ONLY" natural sista at the University of Michigan (GO BLUE!). Essentially, I did NOT feel that I looked good and thought I would feel better with straight hair, thus I got a relaxer AGAIN *note this was about 3 months after getting permanent color*
My hair was feeling pretty awful with the color/relaxer mixture, and so I stopped getting relaxers and went to my good and faithful fall-back hairstyle - the rod set *Note - I did the rod sets myself* I did try a 2-strand twist here and there, but with partially damaged straight ends and kinky roots - it didn't look so hot.
By Summer 2005, my ends were in horrible damage. When I went home for the summer, my mom gave me some suggestions for hair styles...I chose to go with a cute short-relaxed cut b/c it was sharp and fairly easy to manage.
I LOVED this style on me, I felt I was so cute and sharp! I was going to my hairdresser at the time RELIGIOUSLY and she kept me looking RIGHT! I rocked that style for the entire school year, letting my hair grow out. By the end of the summer, my hair was long enough to do 2 french braids, but I had the mixed-hair textures thing again. When I'm natural, I like to be ALL NATURAL, so at the end of the Summer of 2006 I did ANOTHER big chop. Unforch, I REALLY hated my hair after the chop.
This is me RIGHT after my big chop with coils - the only way I still felt attractive with this short cut. I held out and let my hair grow - it was EXTREMELY slow as I didn't know much about caring for healthy natural hair. By Summer 2007, my hair was a decent length - long enough to cornrow and have about 1" of hang time. I LOVED my natural hair with my personal style...Formy bday fun, I straightened my hair that summer to check how long it was.
Both pics are from Summer 2007 - first pic is me with some coils, second is me straightened. Unfortunately, the sista who straightened my hair burnt it. Thus I suffered from heat damage. I sobbed - LITERALLY - for 1 hour when I realized this as I washed my hair and found that my kinks wouldn't return. My hair was stringy-straight in random patches - it was awful. So, I did the thing I do best - BIG CHOP. *Yes, another one, this makes 3* I didn't want to suffer the pain of having super short hair again so I cut it to leave about 1.5" on the top with about 1/4" in the back. I hated it - it was awful b/c my hair was 20 different textures from the heat damage.
I promised myself in 2007-2008 I would grow my hair and just let it be. I did just that - covered the "bad" hair in twists, let it grow out, then cut it some more and started fresh. Again, by the Spring of 2008, my hair was about the same length it was the prior year.
However, I was coming upon graduation and interviewing for jobs. I wanted to straighten my hair to have a more "refined" look at the interview. Good News: I did look sharp and I interviewed for the job I currently hold with the hairstyle :). Bad News: I don't know how to pick good hair dressers and suffered from heat damage AGAIN!
After this, I made a vow to NEVER chemically/physically straighten my hair EVER AGAIN b/c it just wasn't working for me. In the Summer of 2008, I did another BC but LOVED it this time. I was finally confident and satisfied w/ being natural - I thought it was beautiful.
This pic is me in July 2008, shortly after my 4th BC.
This entire time I only knew 2 things:
1. I wanted to be natural
2. I wanted to have long hair
In August 2008, I started locking my hair because this was the ONLY way I thought I could have long hair and be natural. Then my cousin introduced me to the BGLH blog, and I was hooked - I thought, I can have LONG NATURAL HAIR w/o dreads *EUREKA*. I decided to comb out my locks the next day and thus my past meets my present...
Pics are from January 2009 and May 2009 with locs.
In summary I recognize that being natural for me meant that I needed to be confident about who I was - especially for my outward appearance. I needed to not care what other people thought. Sure, some ppl may not like it, but others will LOVE IT! It took me a while to get to this level of acceptance. I feel that I am there now. I have worn my natural kinks to a variety of social and professional events, and I look just as sharp as everyone else. I also met my current bf rocking my short cut. IMO, mainly b/c I finally thought I was HOT and it showed in a great way!
That's my story, it's quite long, but when I think about it...it took me from Summer 2003-Summer 2008 to get things right :)
So, I think it's going to take me a little while to get into this "post more than once/wk" thing, but that's ok. I feel like typing today, so I thought I would share with you all my hair story...
That's me at two years old, with two big afro puffs *LOVES IT!*
My mom was anti-relaxer forever. When HS started, I felt the "relaxer" pressure. I got my hair straightened at the hair dressers every 2 weeks. I played basketball AND all my friends had long, wavy/straight hair. I caved in. My actual hair was pretty healthy in the relaxed style - minimal breakage. However, I did have an extremely sensitive scalp and would burn EVERY time I got a relaxer. I stopped getting relaxers regularly in 11th grade and wore braids. Going into my senior year of high school in 2003, I was bold and brave and did a Big Chop :0. I got a lil' texturizer with it to "soften" the look. I hated it. I never got a touch up for the texturizer and got another big chop before I went to college and dyed my hair cherry red Summer 2004.
This pic is from Freshman orientation, you can't really see the color but...whatevs.
In college, I still was not confident with my own self image, and I felt that I was "THE ONLY" natural sista at the University of Michigan (GO BLUE!). Essentially, I did NOT feel that I looked good and thought I would feel better with straight hair, thus I got a relaxer AGAIN *note this was about 3 months after getting permanent color*
My hair was feeling pretty awful with the color/relaxer mixture, and so I stopped getting relaxers and went to my good and faithful fall-back hairstyle - the rod set *Note - I did the rod sets myself* I did try a 2-strand twist here and there, but with partially damaged straight ends and kinky roots - it didn't look so hot.
By Summer 2005, my ends were in horrible damage. When I went home for the summer, my mom gave me some suggestions for hair styles...I chose to go with a cute short-relaxed cut b/c it was sharp and fairly easy to manage.
I LOVED this style on me, I felt I was so cute and sharp! I was going to my hairdresser at the time RELIGIOUSLY and she kept me looking RIGHT! I rocked that style for the entire school year, letting my hair grow out. By the end of the summer, my hair was long enough to do 2 french braids, but I had the mixed-hair textures thing again. When I'm natural, I like to be ALL NATURAL, so at the end of the Summer of 2006 I did ANOTHER big chop. Unforch, I REALLY hated my hair after the chop.
This is me RIGHT after my big chop with coils - the only way I still felt attractive with this short cut. I held out and let my hair grow - it was EXTREMELY slow as I didn't know much about caring for healthy natural hair. By Summer 2007, my hair was a decent length - long enough to cornrow and have about 1" of hang time. I LOVED my natural hair with my personal style...For
Both pics are from Summer 2007 - first pic is me with some coils, second is me straightened. Unfortunately, the sista who straightened my hair burnt it. Thus I suffered from heat damage. I sobbed - LITERALLY - for 1 hour when I realized this as I washed my hair and found that my kinks wouldn't return. My hair was stringy-straight in random patches - it was awful. So, I did the thing I do best - BIG CHOP. *Yes, another one, this makes 3* I didn't want to suffer the pain of having super short hair again so I cut it to leave about 1.5" on the top with about 1/4" in the back. I hated it - it was awful b/c my hair was 20 different textures from the heat damage.
I promised myself in 2007-2008 I would grow my hair and just let it be. I did just that - covered the "bad" hair in twists, let it grow out, then cut it some more and started fresh. Again, by the Spring of 2008, my hair was about the same length it was the prior year.
However, I was coming upon graduation and interviewing for jobs. I wanted to straighten my hair to have a more "refined" look at the interview. Good News: I did look sharp and I interviewed for the job I currently hold with the hairstyle :). Bad News: I don't know how to pick good hair dressers and suffered from heat damage AGAIN!
After this, I made a vow to NEVER chemically/physically straighten my hair EVER AGAIN b/c it just wasn't working for me. In the Summer of 2008, I did another BC but LOVED it this time. I was finally confident and satisfied w/ being natural - I thought it was beautiful.
This pic is me in July 2008, shortly after my 4th BC.
This entire time I only knew 2 things:
1. I wanted to be natural
2. I wanted to have long hair
In August 2008, I started locking my hair because this was the ONLY way I thought I could have long hair and be natural. Then my cousin introduced me to the BGLH blog, and I was hooked - I thought, I can have LONG NATURAL HAIR w/o dreads *EUREKA*. I decided to comb out my locks the next day and thus my past meets my present...
Pics are from January 2009 and May 2009 with locs.
In summary I recognize that being natural for me meant that I needed to be confident about who I was - especially for my outward appearance. I needed to not care what other people thought. Sure, some ppl may not like it, but others will LOVE IT! It took me a while to get to this level of acceptance. I feel that I am there now. I have worn my natural kinks to a variety of social and professional events, and I look just as sharp as everyone else. I also met my current bf rocking my short cut. IMO, mainly b/c I finally thought I was HOT and it showed in a great way!
That's my story, it's quite long, but when I think about it...it took me from Summer 2003-Summer 2008 to get things right :)
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